Threesome #1: Don't Fuck Someone You're Not Attracted To

We found her on AFF. She didn't have any face pics, but all of her body pictures were hot and she was a gold member so we knew she took it seriously. It started off easily because we didn't know her and she didn't know us, so we winked at her online and she winked back. Encouraged, we emailed her and explained what we were looking for and that we were newbies. She seemed delighted that we'd never done it with anyone else before, so we exchanged fantasies and face pics and the excitement grew. She wanted to meet us.

That was fast. But we were excited too. We started having more sex just thinking about it. And then she sent us her phone number. I think the phone number is what made it real and really awkward for me. I didn't want to talk to her on the phone; I just wanted to have sex with her! I can't remember who ended up calling who, but we arranged to meet at our favorite bar because she only lived a few miles away.

We were there that night with some of our friends, but most of them had gone home before Trish arrived. One friend was still hanging out and drinking with us when we got the call telling us she'd just come in. We told her we were out back on the patio and she should grab a drink and come meet us. I was nervous.

I had spent extra time that night making sure I was sexy. My makeup, clothes, everything had been selected so I didn't look like I was trying too hard, but I still looked hot. So when Trish showed up looking like she'd just survived a tornado, I was a little put off. The first thing I noticed about her was that she didn't look at all like the pictures she'd sent us. She was thin, but very pale with glasses, a big crooked nose and stringy hair. She was wearing overalls with a wifebeater tank top underneath. Not exactly sexy. I was disappointed, but still had hope. For me, a killer personality can make even the unlikeliest person sexy.

Alas, she also turned out to be shy. And unwitty. And dull. And unfunny. And boring as hell.

So we took her back to our place and fucked her.

Let me explain: We had put so much fantasy into meeting this girl, there was no turning back. We wanted to have sex with someone else. We wanted that threesome, so by the time she came into the bar, it really didn't matter what she looked like or who she was.

We chitchatted at the bar until it closed, then asked her if she wanted to hang out longer. She said yes (I suspect it's because my husband and I are very sexy, witty, funny and entertaining people and she found us even sexier than our profile and previous email chats had indicated). ;) So she followed us back to our place.

And she followed us up the stairs to our bedroom. And the whole way up the stairs, all I could think was "How the hell is this supposed to happen?? What do we do from here??" We sat down - my husband and me on the bed, Trish on the windowsill - and talked a little while, but it was awkward without drinks. So my husband went downstairs to grab some beers for us. When he came back, he was carrying the beer and a deck of cards. Brilliant solution to our inexperience and Trish's shyness!

He decided we should play some kind of truth or dare card game where the person with the highest card gets to ask a question or make a dare. The first dare was for Trish and me to kiss (actually Trish's idea, not my husband's!), and as she leaned over staring at my lips, I thought we might be getting somewhere.

But she has one of those small mouths with thin lips. And I've got a big mouth and full lips. So it was a bad combo where we couldn't get the right amount of tongue and it did nothing for me. I was disappointed. But it turned my husband on to see us make out, so I wanted to keep going. We continued with the card game a little while, exchanging kisses, taking off clothes, and finally ending in me daring her to give my husband a blow job.

At that point, we all fell back onto the bed and clothes came off. I was determined to do this! But right as she was about to go down on me, she told us she had an STD. She had herpes. Talk about unsexy! We decided it was ok as long as we were protected, so she proceeded to go down on me, but I was so nervous from her revelation, I couldn't feel a thing. I faked it so she'd stop and then my husband fucked her (with a condom, of course!) and that was hot.

It was the first time I'd actually been turned on all night - watching him having sex with her, watching me. We locked eyes while he fucked her and it was so hot. It was what we wanted, we just knew we needed a different girl.

After we finished, she went home (thankfully, it was her idea to leave) and we promised to call again, which of course we never did. And after we shut the door behind her, we started laughing. We'd done it!

It was definitely a learning experience for both of us about chemistry. Shockingly, we found it's not enough that she be female. She also needs to be sexy and have a personality! So we adapted rule number 1: don't rush into it! Rushing only leads to fucking someone you're not attracted to, and believe me, that never works out the way you hoped.