In Search of a Third

It turns out that my husband had already discovered the avenue through which we would meet our first third. While researching ameteur porn several months before we'd even begun talking about inviting another woman into our bedroom, he had stumbled upon AdultFriendFinder.

Because AdultFriendFinder (AFF) allows people to post video of themselves, my husband had already created a profile, unbeknownst to me, as a single man looking for a woman as a his new favorite porn venue. I, on the other hand, found AFF through how-to-be-a-swinger-101 research. I was so excited when I found AFF because it seemed like the perfect place to meet people without the awkward face-to-face "are you bi?" or "are you cool with doing a couple?" conversation. When I told my husband of my discovery, he surprised me by telling me he'd already found AFF and showing me his profile.

But rather than be excited we'd both landed on the same solution, I was upset. He had created an AFF profile as a single man looking for a woman, and for months, he had been exchanging sexual emails with several hot, young women from the website! He had a secret sexual life! I was blindsided, pissed off, and jealous as hell. Needless to say, this put an immediate damper on my feelings about wanting a third to be with us. I had been conditioned to believe that his sexual feelings were only okay as long as they were focused on me. Anything else was infidelity!

And yet, as I thought about it rationally, looking at him as a human being with desires separate from my own, I began to realize that it was okay. He wasn't using the site to go out and have sex with other people behind my back; he was using it as a way to express his sexual feelings and watch a little porn. He was watching other people have sex online because it turns him on, and he was talking to random cyber girls he'd never meet because he had fantasies he had never expressed. Thinking about it and letting go of my initial jealous reaction helped me realize he is a sexual being, a human being, and I cannot possibly embody all his sexual fantasies (though I like to think I embody a fair bit of them). When I was finally able to see him as a man and not just as MINE, it was easy to start down the path of understanding his desire. And perhaps for the first time I understood why people become non-monogamous.

Once I let go of my initial possessiveness, we were able to really talk about our desires for the first time without judgement or jealousy. I'm not trying to say judgement and jealousy were completely eradicated in one harmonious discussion, just that this was the first time we were able to step above our egos and talk.

And eventually (after about a week of intense discussion) we decided to create a couple's profile on AFF to find single bisexual females...

It turns out that AFF was the perfect venue. Creating the page, evaluating the potential women together, and talking about what we wanted opened up an entirely new side to our sexuality. We were having sex more often, confiding our dirtiest, most secret fantasies, and sharing more with each other than we'd ever thought about sharing with another person. It totally opened us up. And even though it took us a while to find our first serious threesome candidate, it spiced up our vanilla sex life and made us inseparable.