Threesome #1: Don't Fuck Someone You're Not Attracted To

We found her on AFF. She didn't have any face pics, but all of her body pictures were hot and she was a gold member so we knew she took it seriously. It started off easily because we didn't know her and she didn't know us, so we winked at her online and she winked back. Encouraged, we emailed her and explained what we were looking for and that we were newbies. She seemed delighted that we'd never done it with anyone else before, so we exchanged fantasies and face pics and the excitement grew. She wanted to meet us.

That was fast. But we were excited too. We started having more sex just thinking about it. And then she sent us her phone number. I think the phone number is what made it real and really awkward for me. I didn't want to talk to her on the phone; I just wanted to have sex with her! I can't remember who ended up calling who, but we arranged to meet at our favorite bar because she only lived a few miles away.

We were there that night with some of our friends, but most of them had gone home before Trish arrived. One friend was still hanging out and drinking with us when we got the call telling us she'd just come in. We told her we were out back on the patio and she should grab a drink and come meet us. I was nervous.

I had spent extra time that night making sure I was sexy. My makeup, clothes, everything had been selected so I didn't look like I was trying too hard, but I still looked hot. So when Trish showed up looking like she'd just survived a tornado, I was a little put off. The first thing I noticed about her was that she didn't look at all like the pictures she'd sent us. She was thin, but very pale with glasses, a big crooked nose and stringy hair. She was wearing overalls with a wifebeater tank top underneath. Not exactly sexy. I was disappointed, but still had hope. For me, a killer personality can make even the unlikeliest person sexy.

Alas, she also turned out to be shy. And unwitty. And dull. And unfunny. And boring as hell.

So we took her back to our place and fucked her.

Let me explain: We had put so much fantasy into meeting this girl, there was no turning back. We wanted to have sex with someone else. We wanted that threesome, so by the time she came into the bar, it really didn't matter what she looked like or who she was.

We chitchatted at the bar until it closed, then asked her if she wanted to hang out longer. She said yes (I suspect it's because my husband and I are very sexy, witty, funny and entertaining people and she found us even sexier than our profile and previous email chats had indicated). ;) So she followed us back to our place.

And she followed us up the stairs to our bedroom. And the whole way up the stairs, all I could think was "How the hell is this supposed to happen?? What do we do from here??" We sat down - my husband and me on the bed, Trish on the windowsill - and talked a little while, but it was awkward without drinks. So my husband went downstairs to grab some beers for us. When he came back, he was carrying the beer and a deck of cards. Brilliant solution to our inexperience and Trish's shyness!

He decided we should play some kind of truth or dare card game where the person with the highest card gets to ask a question or make a dare. The first dare was for Trish and me to kiss (actually Trish's idea, not my husband's!), and as she leaned over staring at my lips, I thought we might be getting somewhere.

But she has one of those small mouths with thin lips. And I've got a big mouth and full lips. So it was a bad combo where we couldn't get the right amount of tongue and it did nothing for me. I was disappointed. But it turned my husband on to see us make out, so I wanted to keep going. We continued with the card game a little while, exchanging kisses, taking off clothes, and finally ending in me daring her to give my husband a blow job.

At that point, we all fell back onto the bed and clothes came off. I was determined to do this! But right as she was about to go down on me, she told us she had an STD. She had herpes. Talk about unsexy! We decided it was ok as long as we were protected, so she proceeded to go down on me, but I was so nervous from her revelation, I couldn't feel a thing. I faked it so she'd stop and then my husband fucked her (with a condom, of course!) and that was hot.

It was the first time I'd actually been turned on all night - watching him having sex with her, watching me. We locked eyes while he fucked her and it was so hot. It was what we wanted, we just knew we needed a different girl.

After we finished, she went home (thankfully, it was her idea to leave) and we promised to call again, which of course we never did. And after we shut the door behind her, we started laughing. We'd done it!

It was definitely a learning experience for both of us about chemistry. Shockingly, we found it's not enough that she be female. She also needs to be sexy and have a personality! So we adapted rule number 1: don't rush into it! Rushing only leads to fucking someone you're not attracted to, and believe me, that never works out the way you hoped.

In Search of a Third

It turns out that my husband had already discovered the avenue through which we would meet our first third. While researching ameteur porn several months before we'd even begun talking about inviting another woman into our bedroom, he had stumbled upon AdultFriendFinder.

Because AdultFriendFinder (AFF) allows people to post video of themselves, my husband had already created a profile, unbeknownst to me, as a single man looking for a woman as a his new favorite porn venue. I, on the other hand, found AFF through how-to-be-a-swinger-101 research. I was so excited when I found AFF because it seemed like the perfect place to meet people without the awkward face-to-face "are you bi?" or "are you cool with doing a couple?" conversation. When I told my husband of my discovery, he surprised me by telling me he'd already found AFF and showing me his profile.

But rather than be excited we'd both landed on the same solution, I was upset. He had created an AFF profile as a single man looking for a woman, and for months, he had been exchanging sexual emails with several hot, young women from the website! He had a secret sexual life! I was blindsided, pissed off, and jealous as hell. Needless to say, this put an immediate damper on my feelings about wanting a third to be with us. I had been conditioned to believe that his sexual feelings were only okay as long as they were focused on me. Anything else was infidelity!

And yet, as I thought about it rationally, looking at him as a human being with desires separate from my own, I began to realize that it was okay. He wasn't using the site to go out and have sex with other people behind my back; he was using it as a way to express his sexual feelings and watch a little porn. He was watching other people have sex online because it turns him on, and he was talking to random cyber girls he'd never meet because he had fantasies he had never expressed. Thinking about it and letting go of my initial jealous reaction helped me realize he is a sexual being, a human being, and I cannot possibly embody all his sexual fantasies (though I like to think I embody a fair bit of them). When I was finally able to see him as a man and not just as MINE, it was easy to start down the path of understanding his desire. And perhaps for the first time I understood why people become non-monogamous.

Once I let go of my initial possessiveness, we were able to really talk about our desires for the first time without judgement or jealousy. I'm not trying to say judgement and jealousy were completely eradicated in one harmonious discussion, just that this was the first time we were able to step above our egos and talk.

And eventually (after about a week of intense discussion) we decided to create a couple's profile on AFF to find single bisexual females...

It turns out that AFF was the perfect venue. Creating the page, evaluating the potential women together, and talking about what we wanted opened up an entirely new side to our sexuality. We were having sex more often, confiding our dirtiest, most secret fantasies, and sharing more with each other than we'd ever thought about sharing with another person. It totally opened us up. And even though it took us a while to find our first serious threesome candidate, it spiced up our vanilla sex life and made us inseparable.

The Decision

My husband and I were talking the other day about what exactly made us decide to open up our relationship, but neither of us can really remember anything specific. We only remember the very first conversation about my bisexuality and how that opened the door we never want to shut again...

In my kitchen while fixing dinner one night, I admitted I'd had a threesome. Well, it wasn't an admission per se, it just wasn't something I'd ever talked about with anyone before. And I my husband's (then boyfriend's) reaction was predictably male: he was intrigued.

It had happened almost accidentally in grad school. Two of my best friends at the time (one guy, one girl) and I were drinking, smoking, and playing cards on the back porch...playing drinking games and getting drunk like we always did on Friday and Saturday nights. But this time, we started making bets. Which soon turned into stripping. Which eventually and inevitably led to the girl/girl makeout bet. And from the girl/girl makeout, we decided very nonchalantly and rationally to experiment... And that's the story of my first threesome.

What I didn't expect from that playful, curious decision to have sex with a woman was the sudden powerful realization that I was bisexual. There was a softness about my friend's body that I'd never experienced before. Her mouth was soft, her breasts were soft, her touch was soft. It was so different from the firmness of a man, so radically unexpected, I was stunned.

And after telling my husband about it and seeing his desire and curiosity, I wanted to do it again. For him. For me. For both of us...

And it sort of snowballed from there. He wanted me to talk about it while we were having sex. And I wanted to talk about it. From my descriptions and my desire, we felt safe enough to begin talking about the possibilities of allowing another woman into our bed... But how did we find her? And what were the rules?

We're still trying to that figure out...

In the Closet

First and foremost, I should tell you I'm normal. So is my husband. If you met us in any social situation, we'd be the hilarious, moderately attractive young professionals talking politics, drinking, and waxing philosophic.

But somehow, four years into our relationship, we decided to become sexual deviants. We've opened it up, and are now living "the lifestyle." Or rather, we're trying to.

I just never expected it to be this hard. It's hard to meet people. It's hard to communicate in this new way. It's hard to decide on the rules. And mostly, it's hard to navigate the emotion. And yet despite all this, it's becoming one of the most rewarding steps we've taken toward personal fulfillment and closeness as a couple. As disingenuous as it may sound, becoming non-monogamous has brought us much, much closer.

But we're newbies, and we still have a lot to learn and a long way to go. So we're going to document our adventures, our mistakes, and our successes as we continue down our non-monogamy path.

And if you're wondering why there's no real name attached to this blog, it's because we're still in the closet. Everything we write here will be an honest account of how my husband and I are navigating this new side of our relationship; we're just not ready for you or anyone else to know who we are... I definitely admire people like Dan Eldridge who tell it like it is - that certainly takes a lot of courage - but for our families (who would most certainly be shocked), we're keeping it on the DL...